The truth is along my journey, I am unsure when, possibily precedent to last year, my perceptions have drastically altered; well, no not drastically but amazingly. I was telling a friend that people are crazy about two things in the world, wildly crazy; money and sex, and in a way, they are destroyed because of them. Neither of the two fascinate me, and therefore I can resign in my statement and say I am truly happy even without knowing it. The `is’ness of things had slipped thoughts of which i don’t need to question because I am content in the little I have or in the much that I don’t, and there lies the secret path to happiness…in just being.
Ma’s health has taken a turn for the worse. Alzheirmers has set in…the early onset of it, and a little bit of schizophrenia. I thought I was challenged with her physical difficulties, and just when I went pass the crawling stage to graduate, I find myself face to face with a giant. But still david won the battle with goliath.
That was just one goliath …..more came and I found patience somewhere inside my heart, not to throw daggers at those giants but i learnt to be a giant myself in a crazy sort of way. Did it help? Yes. Not to win the battle but to still be standing, at least.
I had a few reunions last year…met friends after decades. Despite the inspites, I made it for those friendship meets. I managed a trip with ma and the family to her birth place in comilla, Bangladesh. It was a struggle with the wheel chair all the way and back but it was one of the best things I have done for her. I have my two nieces with me, both of whom I am unable to imagine being without. I finally bought a speed reading book…something which was long overdue, courtesy of my elder one. Made a few losses financially, lost a lot of savings, gave away much. But still on my feet, albeit arthritically. A few health issues, like a dysfunctional liver and constant weight gain, but the mind has never frailed. Sold Shubho after ten years of owning him and crushing him in an accident. He saved my life. And bought viber, finally a Volvo 2.4, an old sturdy man. Did a 5km competitive charity walk for diabetes, and earned a certificate with my younger one. And did Nepal without a visa, just walked in from the Indian border and back. Lol. Speeded through red lights, parked illegally, bunked all meetings, faced consequences with not a blink of the eye. Amongst other things, ended my life’s chapter on hoarding and just gave away things without a thought.
I have no regrets if I were to die this year. Well, maybe just two, the Serengeti migration and the books I am yet to soak in.
I have no resolution for this year. But these are the things I would like to do. I would like to be by ma’s side when she breathes her last, or when I breathe mine. I would like to continue writing in my mind even though I am unable to pen them down. I would like to play the guitar and sing passenger’s let her go to perfection. Though wanderlust has been an addiction, for this year, I would like to make it pass the 100 mark for books.
