Happy New Year

Year 2020 was apparently the worst nightmare for the majority, but I can truly say it was the best year of my life. 

With a few hiccups, the entire journey was the life I had always looked forward to, that of freedom and solitude. 

The beginning of this year saw my backpacking heart away from Ashon, my monastery. I spent an entire month in Bangladesh, mainly in Mymensingh, with a short travel to Chittagong and Cox Bazaar, exploring popular beaches and just chillaxing. The mustard fields in the villages were calling out to me so I visited them with arthritic difficulty. The return journey from Chittagong to Mymensingh by bus was a killer, but I got to the Hazrat Shahjalal International airport safely, to find that I was the only passenger without a mask, and it was then I sort of deduced the seriousness of the corona virus. 

On the home front, the spread was thin and the pandemic only existed in the news with one or two cases brought in by tourists travelling from China. Everything seemed normal and we were completely unaware of the wildfires lurking in the corner. 

On the 20th of February, after a lovely lunch with Dul, I was riding back home via the town road, and just as the traffic light turned red, I was hit by a car. 

I lost memory and had no idea what had happened. I regained consciousness in the hospital not being able to answer simple questions like what my name was and if I knew what happened or where I was at etc. 

Over time, I got my memory back and was taken for a head computed tomography scan. I was told I had nothing to worry about and was discharged with a list of drugs. 

My nose suffered a few hairline fractures and my jaw was broken. The teeth felt loose and there was swelling on both my face and head. I constantly felt dizzy and had 24/7 headaches. 

Even though my threshold for pain is really high, it was so undeniably excruciating, it managed to disable my mind for a while.

 

I faced quarantine from February itself, before the actual movement control order date on the 16th of March 2020, when the pandemic produced the largest and deadliest cluster in the Tabligh gathering in a single mosque. 

Even though the health ministry did an excellent job of containing the spread, today we are hit by a second wave of  Covid's mutation, soaring our contracted numbers to an all time high. 

Unemployment and thievery have increased while the virus plunged the economy into a severe contraction. Further shrinking is expected as commerce continues to be disrupted. 

I am neither a sadist nor a masochist, but while people worry about this novel coronavirus, I cannot help but think of how we misuse everything given to us and how selfishness and greed have overpowered and controlled love and kindness. 

We take life for granted and convince ourselves subconsciously that we are going to live forever. Whether its an accident or deliberately planned, we deserve this virus. I can also say that we will undoubtedly fail to learn any lesson attached to the birth and proliferation of this virus, intended or not. 

Last year I built a place of living that I call my sanctuary. I have named her Ashon, as I have mentioned in my 2020 new year blog entry. But I only moved in around the month of May 2019 and the rest of the year I was still travelling. 

This year I had the privilege of enjoying Ashon sanse pause, soaking in her every comfort and happiness throughout the year. I best describe her in the following.

 

February saw Dul starting her Masters in Environmental Engineering and May saw Putul entering her 1st year in the Bachelors of Bio Science with Chemistry. They completed their first year with online classes. Dul will complete in September 2021, while Putul will be in her finals in the year 2023. 

With the online shift in education, Didon, had it tough but somehow managed to overcome the perplexities of the technical world and further conducted seminars, while getting her work published, which may be viewed as normal for someone with her caliber and designation but I see it as a huge achievement, something I am extremely proud of. 

In November last year, urticaria was foisted on me, interfering with my daily functioning. I battled with it for almost a year before getting my blood tested in October 2020. The results of the tryptase level identified systemic mastocytosis, which propelled the next step for further tests in January 2021 on the bone marrow to rule out leukemia, or to confirm it. 

In August, the hives became so bad, I took an overdose of Cetirizine, an antihistamine prescribed for urticaria which caused dryness in my throat which in turn destroyed my vocal cords so when I spoke no sound was heard. It was sort of in line with the life I am living now, and it was perhaps the best excuse for not attending to phone calls. 

I seriously think we all talk too much and too unnecessarily and sometimes it is a relief to others when we shut our traps. This experience was immensely crucial to keep me away from all the murkiness of futility. 

 

I stopped the antihistamines, and continued drinking warm water which eventually brought back my voice. 

My meditation experiences have been as weird as my dreams and nightmares, all of which I remember to every irrelevant detail. 

In one of my meditations this year, I travelled to Saturn, a colossal planet, dark, freezing and rocky where I had unprecedented conversations with others, after which, I returned to my three dimension reality wondering if it was a dream. It was surreal enough for me to ponder if a message is hidden in its midst.  

In June, before my birthday, a Huawei nova 7se arrived, with a 5G offering lower latency, and higher capacity, stronger signals and I would think, more exposure and radiation. The quad camera offers amazing panaromas and night scenes. Another exciting addition to my wanderlust photography despite the travel ban. 

Denim, our Nissan Almera was financially settled in August, so Dul officially became the legal owner of Denim. 

In November, the Hisense TV decided to react to my constant watching and it destroyed the t-con board. Sound was intermittent so I had to give it up as repairing costs would have got my pockets dry. 

As the universe would have it, I was gifted a smart tv. It’s a whole new feeling to indulge in it for the first time. For the screen lover, it is paradise.

I continue to be in love with solitude, my writings being proof of it. 

However, the only goal I was able to accomplish this year was getting rid of one item every day. In fact, as of today I have given away 630 items, all listed and accounted for.

For 2021, I had written this.

Like I mentioned in my blog earlier, hoarding is a phobia that has adhered to me recently and decluttering falls under the 'critical must do' list. 

In the beginning, I said this was my best year. 

Solitude is a special word. It carries with it a special person. One who enjoys his/her company in a cosmic way. I read somewhere that if you are your own best friend, you don't need to figure out how to live life.

 

Along with things I gave away, I also disconnected from friends, not because I have anything against anyone, but because I now follow a different path and it is where I want to be until I am gone. I am aware that my friends will not understand my decision, but I rather be honest and follow my path, than be a hypocrite and follow theirs. 

However, while I said my goodbyes, I started putting up my quotes in Instagram in July, under subrata_sinha_roy, for the world to use in any way they want. I neither follow anyone nor comment as it is only a means for me to gift the world, appreciated or not. 

There is judgement of arrogance in that but `my give a damn attitude' has become my crown and I seriously wear it like a queen. 

Many friends disapprove of my decisions, but I got busy with myself and I stopped taking things personally. A compliment or an insult is someone else's opinion, with due respect to all. Perhaps, that attitude became the best contribution to my wisdom.

 

My library waits for me, each book competing for my attention. 

My music list is interminable, there just isn't an opportunity to listen to everything. Today I am in the mood for Jethro Tull or Tracy Chapman, tomorrow it is Halsey, by the evening it is symphony no. 40, and at night, it is country, the next day it is suddenly Gypsy Kings or Arijit Singh. 

The smart tv makes Netflix so easy to watch, that I literally watch a whole season in one day. 

I will not speak of the book I intended to write, the 2020 goal which was unaccomplished, as it will be written if I want it to. And right now, I am distracted with idleness.  

I do write every day, either on paper or in my mind. Being away from people has elevated my thoughts and brought clarity to my mind. I feel no disturbance or obstruction. It is a choice I have long postponed which is finally made right.

All my life I was this dutiful and dependable person, never failing any tasks handed to me. I strived for perfection in every sector to the point of nausea, being a jack of all crafts and trades, a survivor. 

It is therefore a privilege now to be content, having no one to listen to or be responsible for, a grant of monumental repose, which again is just the beginning of real freedom, followed by the ultimate liberation from the clock and the calendar. 

I neither know the time nor the date until I am reminded of it. Alarms are a thing of the past for me. I wake up when I want to, if I do. 

There is a kind of autarky in idleness, in not having to be aware or care, the feeling is bewildering, one that I only had the pleasure of enjoying and experiencing this year in the entire five and a half decades of my life. 

The freedom to just breathe. 

In the Chinese zodiac, 2021 is the year of the metal ox. The ox being methodical and hardworking, we can look forward to economic recovery as a reward. But well, one never knows. 

I dare say I am the happiest person in the world today, and it is not because I am rich, young or slim, healthy, pretty or popular. In fact my Instagram posts hardly receive one or two likes. 

If I were to dissect it, I think it is pretty simple. I am happy because I choose to be. Solitude has a big role in it though. 

So my wish for you is that you too will understand that happiness is a choice and it isn't dependent on what you have, who you are, where you are at or who you are with. 

I wish you a good 2021, and if it isn’t good, I hope you will find it in your intellect, to make it work for you. 

I hope you will find solitude every time you are lonely, and create excitement every time you are bored. Look for inspiration in anything, toilet paper, an art project, an abandoned animal, diy tools, headphones, just about anything and once you find it, you are on your way to bigger inspirations. I also hope you will understand that if you are angry you cannot be wise, it is either or.

Finally, know that everything is a choice, the most powerful tool we all own with infinite possibilities. So my wish for you is that you will love your life or make the choice to adjust it to the way you would love it, and make 2021 your best year yet.

Reply to a mail

This time my post is a letter to someone, a reply to her mail.

It is that time of the year when we are in the middle again, the past six months battling a virus, the next six recuperating, hopefully.

I cannot hold a candle to the things you said in your mail. But thank you for your birthday wishes and along with it, your gratitude. Recently I subscribed to gratitude as the mother of all virtues, patience coming a close second.

Forgive me for my detachment. I have reached a locus where I see no apparent reason to offer an explanation to anyone.

However, I started writing this, perhaps because I want you to cherish what I will say, not as an excuse or an explanation, but as a reflection of what I have become.

I was born a fire horse in the Chinese Zodiac, a fire tetrahedron which requires the propagation of oxygen, fuel and heat to exist, and a horse who has ruled before the age of engines and machines.

I see myself in the same league as a stallion, who has been ridden, and over-worked at, in every sector, every era, every economy from grasslands to race-courses, and deserts to domestic life of human living.

I was never complacent in the herd but I figured I had to fulfill my duties and responsibilities which were demanded of me, so I commissioned myself to the obligation of every task with my occasional stolen canter to freedom.

A fire horse lives for her gallops of freedom and independence, repudiating to be bound by rules and regulations of society.
She forms her own directives, like oxygen, going along with it like fuel or leaving it unattended, like heat, as she pleases.

But I am also water according to the Western Zodiac sign, just like you pointed out with all that you said. So I will not stress much on that, except just one aspect.
One of the principle characteristics of water is depth. And I like to think I possess it.

I wrote this for you, and I hope you will understand it, both literally and in depth.

When we met in that random app, I still had a little bit of charm and appeal left. But they were wearing thin and towards the end I was grappling with a repetitive theme in my life, people.

The rebellion in me needed to serve my remaining life in bliss, the reason I chose to detach.

I made my sanctuary a heavily gated prison, predominantly a repository for this fire horse who flows in her own waterfall, over her idea of rocky ledge or cliff in her own unhinged way.

I am abashed at the hypocrisy of the world. They are immersed in the ignorance of their stupidity hiding behind their masks and eventually becoming those masks.

I have neither tasted boredom nor loneliness, therefore I cannot understand the need for human company, and the reason I should readily entertain anyone needing my attention. Would that not make me a hypocrite too?

My logic is uncomplicated. I will be with you not because it is the right thing to do, I will be with you because I want to be with you. Its a hairline difference with a huge impact.

At this juncture, I need to stress, that we are living the lives others have set for us, whether it is our parents, our relatives, or even our friends, all of which are part of society we are in.

Societal accepted norms become the rights, even if it differs from ours. I am aware that rules and regulations are required to maintain order.

My wisdom will not allow me to battle against society or raise an argument to prove a point, as I will not be a nuisance in or to society, but I can escape from this slammer silently and adhere to my own rights and wrongs, without tilting their perfect picture.

We are uncontrollable whirlwinds, making our lives fast spinning pathetic disasters. We get caught up with our all knowing misery that we always complain about. We drench ourselves in our display of accolades which we continuously wear as a corsage. We decorate them as trophies boastfully adorning them as a coercion on others.

Our desperate need for attention and praise signifying our low esteem, and fear of not being like everyone else, or better, is deplorably piteous.

Social network happiness in material memories of aspired destinations, meaningless souvenirs, narcissistic portraits, status, possessions and other branded attractions are crucial elements we soak our whole lives in. We submerge in intense greed, giving rise to a profane digressed human culture.

I walk a different path, a different dimension, making a bargaining agreement, in the quiet, with people I care about.

I don’t swim their waters, and I don’t join their waterfalls. I have quarantined my soul marinating my real self with books and writing. I soak in the cadence of the screen, elevating my intelligence and touching my senses through my vision and my harken’s inflection. And in the ocean of ataraxia I float in the eudemonia of solitude.

I live amongst men like Socrates who tried to establish an ethical system based on human reasoning rather than on theological doctrine, of Marx who became stateless and was driven to exile with his family for decades, where he continued developing his banned thoughts, of Nietzche who was a radical critique of truth in favour of perspectivism, and one who made apparent that religion should be viewed in a master-slave morality, of Gibran who spoke of giving with no mindfulness of virtue, neither of pain nor of seeking joy, but freely like the myrtle breathing its fragrance into space, and a few others who have taught us to think, to be intelligent, to question and to progress.

I live with them because in their midst, I am able to still disagree and learn. I can question and still rationalize, I can be both wrong and right at the same time. I can be intelligent, cynical and curious, all at one time.

I don’t live with people around me because I cannot be those things, because they neither understand the concept nor the need, to NOT be like them. And because they are not those men, I choose my solitude.

I am emotional, but detachment comes easy to me because people have made it so. From my end, it is easier to withdraw than to give explanations. How do I tell someone, I am leaving because I value my solitude more than I do him or her?

Love is a strange word or feeling. I question love too. In fact, I have written on how love has been derived and passed on to us through centuries in my blog, which you have read.

So how do I tell you I love you if I assume it does not exist? But based on your understanding of it, and your acceptance, I will say it to define the proximity of our relationship and the feelings attached to it, and because you are able to relate to it.

I am not asserting that I am right or professing that my understanding of it all is worth a thought or a discussion.
That duration of waiting for someone to grasp or recognize my intellect in this subject is far long gone.
I acquire and gather my happiness in my quietude and passivity within the four walls of my sanctuary more than I would ever do in my aggressive arguments or passionate outcries with people.

Silence has this stillness that embellishes your intellect and judgement into prodigious wisdom. So how does one do that in the company of people?

I am content in this isolation, living my life as a hermit, silence being my everyday visitor.

But should I choose to go out to the noise, I go because I have always had a backpack heart, and I travel and see the earth and everything else in it, including the people, but that is only when I want to do so and just for a while so that I can quickly get back to my refuge, the source of my energy and life

I have a few years to live, and I want the best of it. One way to ensure euphoria for me is to terminate social networking and the other is to stop myself mingling with crowds. I hope you understand that. It isn’t the people who wear me down, it is their thought process.

Let me end with another quote I have written for you and let me explain that sometimes `i love you' is too cliche for me and borders on superficiality, so maybe with my concept and idea of love, I prefer to end with this instead, I am with you whenever you want me to be.

Suicide

I attempted suicide twice in my youth, for the obvious reasons.

No one was aware of it at that time. If they had been, I would have been branded as mentally unstable and in dire need of assistance from a psychologist. Fortunately, I had kept things to myself.

My reasons have changed and my thoughts have evolved but in an uncanny way, the suicide hasn’t.

I lived my life on my own terms. I will take my life the same way.

I would write letters to every person who mattered in my life. I would place them on the table in colourful envelopes with their full addresses on them. And then, I would go to my cabinet and take out the important files that dealt with the wills and the insurances and I would label each one so it would not be complicated to process them. Then I would write a letter to my family, with a list of people to inform of my death and their telephone numbers next to their names. I would leave instructions of my last wish for the funeral process and the disposal of my body.

And after that was taken care of, I would sit back, luxuriate on my best meal while listening to my favourite songs, and I would write my last poem while reflecting on my entire living before taking my life.


Around a decade ago, when I had started wild expeditions on my solo travels, I had wished to die in the middle of an adventure.


About two decades ago, I thought of sleep as the calmest form of death. I wanted to die in my sleep, maybe in the middle of a great dream.


And long before that, I had many notions of death but when the suicidal feelings vanished, I dwelt on different ways to die, if naturally.

I was a rider, and being on the road daily meant that my life did not guarantee my return home, so there was perhaps a streak of fear that I would leave everyone I loved, before I was ready to say goodbye. I thought of how my mother would manage on my demise and if my suicide would be a burden to the rest of the family, the very intention I was trying to avoid.

But mum died six years ago. Whereas, my dad and my middle sister left years before that. So I had only one sister to think about and of course, my two nieces, who presently are still studying.

It dawned on me recently that in another three years, I would see everyone independent and pursuing their lives in their respective paths. So I planned my final departure to be around then. I would choose a good date, like my birthday or the solstice, midsummer or midwinter. Or maybe it would be on Valentines day, the day mum died. I am not sure since I haven’t decided on the date. For now, the plan will not see me living six decades of my life.


I wouldn’t have written all this down, as one read of it all would confirm my insanity in planning a murder, in this case of myself.

But these thoughts run in my head all day long and if I do not discard them, other thoughts don’t find their way in. Most often, when we indulge in certain thoughts, we like to share them with friends but in my case, all of them had the same things to say. They insist that I shouldn’t even be thinking about such things, let alone systematically plan it. They continue to stress how negative it is to speak of it despite me telling them that I will not be committing the act because of depression or any other sorrowful dejection, uncontrollable or not.

My rationale is simple. I have lived my life constantly on a roller coaster, sometimes up and other times down. I have seen the negative, the positive and the balance. I have lived the ins and the outs. I would not want circumstance or time, and especially not an illness to decide my death. I do confirm though, that I am not a control freak who insists that everything has to go according to her plan, well, in truth, not everything, just death.

I am aware that I do not need to give any explanations for my decision, as this is my life. At this point, I would like to highlight that the believers of any religion and their appointed Gods, will vehemently prohibit and condemn suicide as sinful with punishments that follow it. Fortunately for me, I neither believe nor harbour such thoughts, so it rightly justifies my decisions.

However, I will stress again and again, as many times as I should that I have lived my life. And I am not planning this because I have a mental or physical ailment that I find impossible to handle.

Society is very particular that we do not write a blog on this topic to convince anyone to follow a path of suicide or even give a valid reasoning to it because whatever we say in regard to this topic, it will still be deemed as negative and avoidance of it is encouraged unless we speak of giving assistance in terms of psychological help or motivation to convince the suicidal person to turn around and feel the joie de vie.


But how do I write about this topic within sensible and safe parameters? How do I change a perspective? How can I convince those against it in a coherent way and how can I persuade those who wish to commit it in a sensible way without insulting gratitude?

I simply cannot preach life while speaking of suicide.

But I can give you this honest message and I hope it will make sense, if not today, maybe in years to come.

This isn’t a blog that teaches you to stop thinking of suicide, and lists you a series of what life can offer, but this is in my blogpost and is open to everyone, so if you come across it, and you are in your youth, and you have suicide ideations, then my message is that I have been through it all, the anxieties, the depressions, the hopelessness, the dark side and everything else you are or aren't going through but for certain reasons, I continued holding on to my life’s path, with much difficulty and eventually came to delight in life's indulgence with things I never imagined I would accomplish.

I have been there, done that and lived a happy life, with bouts of despair in between. The challenges did not stop pouring in, but I slowly changed my perspective and braved myself through them all. I had no help and no support, and I fell more times than I peaked, but still I would not fail to elaborate that life has been beautiful.

The perspectives and the thoughts need to change accordingly and the boomerang sent to the universe will come back the same way. So hold on a little bit longer, postpone your act and learn the other side of your grief, simply because there is another side no matter how bleak it all seems.


I made it to where I am today, which is a little more than five decades. That alone is achievement for me and even now, amidst all the problems and challenges, the little strength that emerged from it all has given me peace.

I am also an extremely and fiercely independent individual with thoughts evolving on a daily basis, therefore, I am unsure if I would alter my thoughts after three years but if and when I do commit the act, it will certainly not be because of my struggles to live.

It will be because my life was worth living and whatever follows, would similarly be on the same lines.

I hope you will do the same too, live more, learn more, teach more, accomplish more and conquer it all before your final decision and perhaps when many people change the perspective of the act from negative to positive, the resolution will be looked at differently.

And as a result, life could finally be appreciated for the blessing it has always been.