Suicide

I attempted suicide twice in my youth, for the obvious reasons.

No one was aware of it at that time. If they had been, I would have been branded as mentally unstable and in dire need of assistance from a psychologist. Fortunately, I had kept things to myself.

My reasons have changed and my thoughts have evolved but in an uncanny way, the suicide hasn’t.

I lived my life on my own terms. I will take my life the same way.

I would write letters to every person who mattered in my life. I would place them on the table in colourful envelopes with their full addresses on them. And then, I would go to my cabinet and take out the important files that dealt with the wills and the insurances and I would label each one so it would not be complicated to process them. Then I would write a letter to my family, with a list of people to inform of my death and their telephone numbers next to their names. I would leave instructions of my last wish for the funeral process and the disposal of my body.

And after that was taken care of, I would sit back, luxuriate on my best meal while listening to my favourite songs, and I would write my last poem while reflecting on my entire living before taking my life.


Around a decade ago, when I had started wild expeditions on my solo travels, I had wished to die in the middle of an adventure.


About two decades ago, I thought of sleep as the calmest form of death. I wanted to die in my sleep, maybe in the middle of a great dream.


And long before that, I had many notions of death but when the suicidal feelings vanished, I dwelt on different ways to die, if naturally.

I was a rider, and being on the road daily meant that my life did not guarantee my return home, so there was perhaps a streak of fear that I would leave everyone I loved, before I was ready to say goodbye. I thought of how my mother would manage on my demise and if my suicide would be a burden to the rest of the family, the very intention I was trying to avoid.

But mum died six years ago. Whereas, my dad and my middle sister left years before that. So I had only one sister to think about and of course, my two nieces, who presently are still studying.

It dawned on me recently that in another three years, I would see everyone independent and pursuing their lives in their respective paths. So I planned my final departure to be around then. I would choose a good date, like my birthday or the solstice, midsummer or midwinter. Or maybe it would be on Valentines day, the day mum died. I am not sure since I haven’t decided on the date. For now, the plan will not see me living six decades of my life.


I wouldn’t have written all this down, as one read of it all would confirm my insanity in planning a murder, in this case of myself.

But these thoughts run in my head all day long and if I do not discard them, other thoughts don’t find their way in. Most often, when we indulge in certain thoughts, we like to share them with friends but in my case, all of them had the same things to say. They insist that I shouldn’t even be thinking about such things, let alone systematically plan it. They continue to stress how negative it is to speak of it despite me telling them that I will not be committing the act because of depression or any other sorrowful dejection, uncontrollable or not.

My rationale is simple. I have lived my life constantly on a roller coaster, sometimes up and other times down. I have seen the negative, the positive and the balance. I have lived the ins and the outs. I would not want circumstance or time, and especially not an illness to decide my death. I do confirm though, that I am not a control freak who insists that everything has to go according to her plan, well, in truth, not everything, just death.

I am aware that I do not need to give any explanations for my decision, as this is my life. At this point, I would like to highlight that the believers of any religion and their appointed Gods, will vehemently prohibit and condemn suicide as sinful with punishments that follow it. Fortunately for me, I neither believe nor harbour such thoughts, so it rightly justifies my decisions.

However, I will stress again and again, as many times as I should that I have lived my life. And I am not planning this because I have a mental or physical ailment that I find impossible to handle.

Society is very particular that we do not write a blog on this topic to convince anyone to follow a path of suicide or even give a valid reasoning to it because whatever we say in regard to this topic, it will still be deemed as negative and avoidance of it is encouraged unless we speak of giving assistance in terms of psychological help or motivation to convince the suicidal person to turn around and feel the joie de vie.


But how do I write about this topic within sensible and safe parameters? How do I change a perspective? How can I convince those against it in a coherent way and how can I persuade those who wish to commit it in a sensible way without insulting gratitude?

I simply cannot preach life while speaking of suicide.

But I can give you this honest message and I hope it will make sense, if not today, maybe in years to come.

This isn’t a blog that teaches you to stop thinking of suicide, and lists you a series of what life can offer, but this is in my blogpost and is open to everyone, so if you come across it, and you are in your youth, and you have suicide ideations, then my message is that I have been through it all, the anxieties, the depressions, the hopelessness, the dark side and everything else you are or aren't going through but for certain reasons, I continued holding on to my life’s path, with much difficulty and eventually came to delight in life's indulgence with things I never imagined I would accomplish.

I have been there, done that and lived a happy life, with bouts of despair in between. The challenges did not stop pouring in, but I slowly changed my perspective and braved myself through them all. I had no help and no support, and I fell more times than I peaked, but still I would not fail to elaborate that life has been beautiful.

The perspectives and the thoughts need to change accordingly and the boomerang sent to the universe will come back the same way. So hold on a little bit longer, postpone your act and learn the other side of your grief, simply because there is another side no matter how bleak it all seems.


I made it to where I am today, which is a little more than five decades. That alone is achievement for me and even now, amidst all the problems and challenges, the little strength that emerged from it all has given me peace.

I am also an extremely and fiercely independent individual with thoughts evolving on a daily basis, therefore, I am unsure if I would alter my thoughts after three years but if and when I do commit the act, it will certainly not be because of my struggles to live.

It will be because my life was worth living and whatever follows, would similarly be on the same lines.

I hope you will do the same too, live more, learn more, teach more, accomplish more and conquer it all before your final decision and perhaps when many people change the perspective of the act from negative to positive, the resolution will be looked at differently.

And as a result, life could finally be appreciated for the blessing it has always been.