Reply to a mail

This time my post is a letter to someone, a reply to her mail.

It is that time of the year when we are in the middle again, the past six months battling a virus, the next six recuperating, hopefully.

I cannot hold a candle to the things you said in your mail. But thank you for your birthday wishes and along with it, your gratitude. Recently I subscribed to gratitude as the mother of all virtues, patience coming a close second.

Forgive me for my detachment. I have reached a locus where I see no apparent reason to offer an explanation to anyone.

However, I started writing this, perhaps because I want you to cherish what I will say, not as an excuse or an explanation, but as a reflection of what I have become.

I was born a fire horse in the Chinese Zodiac, a fire tetrahedron which requires the propagation of oxygen, fuel and heat to exist, and a horse who has ruled before the age of engines and machines.

I see myself in the same league as a stallion, who has been ridden, and over-worked at, in every sector, every era, every economy from grasslands to race-courses, and deserts to domestic life of human living.

I was never complacent in the herd but I figured I had to fulfill my duties and responsibilities which were demanded of me, so I commissioned myself to the obligation of every task with my occasional stolen canter to freedom.

A fire horse lives for her gallops of freedom and independence, repudiating to be bound by rules and regulations of society.
She forms her own directives, like oxygen, going along with it like fuel or leaving it unattended, like heat, as she pleases.

But I am also water according to the Western Zodiac sign, just like you pointed out with all that you said. So I will not stress much on that, except just one aspect.
One of the principle characteristics of water is depth. And I like to think I possess it.

I wrote this for you, and I hope you will understand it, both literally and in depth.

When we met in that random app, I still had a little bit of charm and appeal left. But they were wearing thin and towards the end I was grappling with a repetitive theme in my life, people.

The rebellion in me needed to serve my remaining life in bliss, the reason I chose to detach.

I made my sanctuary a heavily gated prison, predominantly a repository for this fire horse who flows in her own waterfall, over her idea of rocky ledge or cliff in her own unhinged way.

I am abashed at the hypocrisy of the world. They are immersed in the ignorance of their stupidity hiding behind their masks and eventually becoming those masks.

I have neither tasted boredom nor loneliness, therefore I cannot understand the need for human company, and the reason I should readily entertain anyone needing my attention. Would that not make me a hypocrite too?

My logic is uncomplicated. I will be with you not because it is the right thing to do, I will be with you because I want to be with you. Its a hairline difference with a huge impact.

At this juncture, I need to stress, that we are living the lives others have set for us, whether it is our parents, our relatives, or even our friends, all of which are part of society we are in.

Societal accepted norms become the rights, even if it differs from ours. I am aware that rules and regulations are required to maintain order.

My wisdom will not allow me to battle against society or raise an argument to prove a point, as I will not be a nuisance in or to society, but I can escape from this slammer silently and adhere to my own rights and wrongs, without tilting their perfect picture.

We are uncontrollable whirlwinds, making our lives fast spinning pathetic disasters. We get caught up with our all knowing misery that we always complain about. We drench ourselves in our display of accolades which we continuously wear as a corsage. We decorate them as trophies boastfully adorning them as a coercion on others.

Our desperate need for attention and praise signifying our low esteem, and fear of not being like everyone else, or better, is deplorably piteous.

Social network happiness in material memories of aspired destinations, meaningless souvenirs, narcissistic portraits, status, possessions and other branded attractions are crucial elements we soak our whole lives in. We submerge in intense greed, giving rise to a profane digressed human culture.

I walk a different path, a different dimension, making a bargaining agreement, in the quiet, with people I care about.

I don’t swim their waters, and I don’t join their waterfalls. I have quarantined my soul marinating my real self with books and writing. I soak in the cadence of the screen, elevating my intelligence and touching my senses through my vision and my harken’s inflection. And in the ocean of ataraxia I float in the eudemonia of solitude.

I live amongst men like Socrates who tried to establish an ethical system based on human reasoning rather than on theological doctrine, of Marx who became stateless and was driven to exile with his family for decades, where he continued developing his banned thoughts, of Nietzche who was a radical critique of truth in favour of perspectivism, and one who made apparent that religion should be viewed in a master-slave morality, of Gibran who spoke of giving with no mindfulness of virtue, neither of pain nor of seeking joy, but freely like the myrtle breathing its fragrance into space, and a few others who have taught us to think, to be intelligent, to question and to progress.

I live with them because in their midst, I am able to still disagree and learn. I can question and still rationalize, I can be both wrong and right at the same time. I can be intelligent, cynical and curious, all at one time.

I don’t live with people around me because I cannot be those things, because they neither understand the concept nor the need, to NOT be like them. And because they are not those men, I choose my solitude.

I am emotional, but detachment comes easy to me because people have made it so. From my end, it is easier to withdraw than to give explanations. How do I tell someone, I am leaving because I value my solitude more than I do him or her?

Love is a strange word or feeling. I question love too. In fact, I have written on how love has been derived and passed on to us through centuries in my blog, which you have read.

So how do I tell you I love you if I assume it does not exist? But based on your understanding of it, and your acceptance, I will say it to define the proximity of our relationship and the feelings attached to it, and because you are able to relate to it.

I am not asserting that I am right or professing that my understanding of it all is worth a thought or a discussion.
That duration of waiting for someone to grasp or recognize my intellect in this subject is far long gone.
I acquire and gather my happiness in my quietude and passivity within the four walls of my sanctuary more than I would ever do in my aggressive arguments or passionate outcries with people.

Silence has this stillness that embellishes your intellect and judgement into prodigious wisdom. So how does one do that in the company of people?

I am content in this isolation, living my life as a hermit, silence being my everyday visitor.

But should I choose to go out to the noise, I go because I have always had a backpack heart, and I travel and see the earth and everything else in it, including the people, but that is only when I want to do so and just for a while so that I can quickly get back to my refuge, the source of my energy and life

I have a few years to live, and I want the best of it. One way to ensure euphoria for me is to terminate social networking and the other is to stop myself mingling with crowds. I hope you understand that. It isn’t the people who wear me down, it is their thought process.

Let me end with another quote I have written for you and let me explain that sometimes `i love you' is too cliche for me and borders on superficiality, so maybe with my concept and idea of love, I prefer to end with this instead, I am with you whenever you want me to be.