Happy New Year

Year 2020 was apparently the worst nightmare for the majority, but I can truly say it was the best year of my life. 

With a few hiccups, the entire journey was the life I had always looked forward to, that of freedom and solitude. 

The beginning of this year saw my backpacking heart away from Ashon, my monastery. I spent an entire month in Bangladesh, mainly in Mymensingh, with a short travel to Chittagong and Cox Bazaar, exploring popular beaches and just chillaxing. The mustard fields in the villages were calling out to me so I visited them with arthritic difficulty. The return journey from Chittagong to Mymensingh by bus was a killer, but I got to the Hazrat Shahjalal International airport safely, to find that I was the only passenger without a mask, and it was then I sort of deduced the seriousness of the corona virus. 

On the home front, the spread was thin and the pandemic only existed in the news with one or two cases brought in by tourists travelling from China. Everything seemed normal and we were completely unaware of the wildfires lurking in the corner. 

On the 20th of February, after a lovely lunch with Dul, I was riding back home via the town road, and just as the traffic light turned red, I was hit by a car. 

I lost memory and had no idea what had happened. I regained consciousness in the hospital not being able to answer simple questions like what my name was and if I knew what happened or where I was at etc. 

Over time, I got my memory back and was taken for a head computed tomography scan. I was told I had nothing to worry about and was discharged with a list of drugs. 

My nose suffered a few hairline fractures and my jaw was broken. The teeth felt loose and there was swelling on both my face and head. I constantly felt dizzy and had 24/7 headaches. 

Even though my threshold for pain is really high, it was so undeniably excruciating, it managed to disable my mind for a while.

 

I faced quarantine from February itself, before the actual movement control order date on the 16th of March 2020, when the pandemic produced the largest and deadliest cluster in the Tabligh gathering in a single mosque. 

Even though the health ministry did an excellent job of containing the spread, today we are hit by a second wave of  Covid's mutation, soaring our contracted numbers to an all time high. 

Unemployment and thievery have increased while the virus plunged the economy into a severe contraction. Further shrinking is expected as commerce continues to be disrupted. 

I am neither a sadist nor a masochist, but while people worry about this novel coronavirus, I cannot help but think of how we misuse everything given to us and how selfishness and greed have overpowered and controlled love and kindness. 

We take life for granted and convince ourselves subconsciously that we are going to live forever. Whether its an accident or deliberately planned, we deserve this virus. I can also say that we will undoubtedly fail to learn any lesson attached to the birth and proliferation of this virus, intended or not. 

Last year I built a place of living that I call my sanctuary. I have named her Ashon, as I have mentioned in my 2020 new year blog entry. But I only moved in around the month of May 2019 and the rest of the year I was still travelling. 

This year I had the privilege of enjoying Ashon sanse pause, soaking in her every comfort and happiness throughout the year. I best describe her in the following.

 

February saw Dul starting her Masters in Environmental Engineering and May saw Putul entering her 1st year in the Bachelors of Bio Science with Chemistry. They completed their first year with online classes. Dul will complete in September 2021, while Putul will be in her finals in the year 2023. 

With the online shift in education, Didon, had it tough but somehow managed to overcome the perplexities of the technical world and further conducted seminars, while getting her work published, which may be viewed as normal for someone with her caliber and designation but I see it as a huge achievement, something I am extremely proud of. 

In November last year, urticaria was foisted on me, interfering with my daily functioning. I battled with it for almost a year before getting my blood tested in October 2020. The results of the tryptase level identified systemic mastocytosis, which propelled the next step for further tests in January 2021 on the bone marrow to rule out leukemia, or to confirm it. 

In August, the hives became so bad, I took an overdose of Cetirizine, an antihistamine prescribed for urticaria which caused dryness in my throat which in turn destroyed my vocal cords so when I spoke no sound was heard. It was sort of in line with the life I am living now, and it was perhaps the best excuse for not attending to phone calls. 

I seriously think we all talk too much and too unnecessarily and sometimes it is a relief to others when we shut our traps. This experience was immensely crucial to keep me away from all the murkiness of futility. 

 

I stopped the antihistamines, and continued drinking warm water which eventually brought back my voice. 

My meditation experiences have been as weird as my dreams and nightmares, all of which I remember to every irrelevant detail. 

In one of my meditations this year, I travelled to Saturn, a colossal planet, dark, freezing and rocky where I had unprecedented conversations with others, after which, I returned to my three dimension reality wondering if it was a dream. It was surreal enough for me to ponder if a message is hidden in its midst.  

In June, before my birthday, a Huawei nova 7se arrived, with a 5G offering lower latency, and higher capacity, stronger signals and I would think, more exposure and radiation. The quad camera offers amazing panaromas and night scenes. Another exciting addition to my wanderlust photography despite the travel ban. 

Denim, our Nissan Almera was financially settled in August, so Dul officially became the legal owner of Denim. 

In November, the Hisense TV decided to react to my constant watching and it destroyed the t-con board. Sound was intermittent so I had to give it up as repairing costs would have got my pockets dry. 

As the universe would have it, I was gifted a smart tv. It’s a whole new feeling to indulge in it for the first time. For the screen lover, it is paradise.

I continue to be in love with solitude, my writings being proof of it. 

However, the only goal I was able to accomplish this year was getting rid of one item every day. In fact, as of today I have given away 630 items, all listed and accounted for.

For 2021, I had written this.

Like I mentioned in my blog earlier, hoarding is a phobia that has adhered to me recently and decluttering falls under the 'critical must do' list. 

In the beginning, I said this was my best year. 

Solitude is a special word. It carries with it a special person. One who enjoys his/her company in a cosmic way. I read somewhere that if you are your own best friend, you don't need to figure out how to live life.

 

Along with things I gave away, I also disconnected from friends, not because I have anything against anyone, but because I now follow a different path and it is where I want to be until I am gone. I am aware that my friends will not understand my decision, but I rather be honest and follow my path, than be a hypocrite and follow theirs. 

However, while I said my goodbyes, I started putting up my quotes in Instagram in July, under subrata_sinha_roy, for the world to use in any way they want. I neither follow anyone nor comment as it is only a means for me to gift the world, appreciated or not. 

There is judgement of arrogance in that but `my give a damn attitude' has become my crown and I seriously wear it like a queen. 

Many friends disapprove of my decisions, but I got busy with myself and I stopped taking things personally. A compliment or an insult is someone else's opinion, with due respect to all. Perhaps, that attitude became the best contribution to my wisdom.

 

My library waits for me, each book competing for my attention. 

My music list is interminable, there just isn't an opportunity to listen to everything. Today I am in the mood for Jethro Tull or Tracy Chapman, tomorrow it is Halsey, by the evening it is symphony no. 40, and at night, it is country, the next day it is suddenly Gypsy Kings or Arijit Singh. 

The smart tv makes Netflix so easy to watch, that I literally watch a whole season in one day. 

I will not speak of the book I intended to write, the 2020 goal which was unaccomplished, as it will be written if I want it to. And right now, I am distracted with idleness.  

I do write every day, either on paper or in my mind. Being away from people has elevated my thoughts and brought clarity to my mind. I feel no disturbance or obstruction. It is a choice I have long postponed which is finally made right.

All my life I was this dutiful and dependable person, never failing any tasks handed to me. I strived for perfection in every sector to the point of nausea, being a jack of all crafts and trades, a survivor. 

It is therefore a privilege now to be content, having no one to listen to or be responsible for, a grant of monumental repose, which again is just the beginning of real freedom, followed by the ultimate liberation from the clock and the calendar. 

I neither know the time nor the date until I am reminded of it. Alarms are a thing of the past for me. I wake up when I want to, if I do. 

There is a kind of autarky in idleness, in not having to be aware or care, the feeling is bewildering, one that I only had the pleasure of enjoying and experiencing this year in the entire five and a half decades of my life. 

The freedom to just breathe. 

In the Chinese zodiac, 2021 is the year of the metal ox. The ox being methodical and hardworking, we can look forward to economic recovery as a reward. But well, one never knows. 

I dare say I am the happiest person in the world today, and it is not because I am rich, young or slim, healthy, pretty or popular. In fact my Instagram posts hardly receive one or two likes. 

If I were to dissect it, I think it is pretty simple. I am happy because I choose to be. Solitude has a big role in it though. 

So my wish for you is that you too will understand that happiness is a choice and it isn't dependent on what you have, who you are, where you are at or who you are with. 

I wish you a good 2021, and if it isn’t good, I hope you will find it in your intellect, to make it work for you. 

I hope you will find solitude every time you are lonely, and create excitement every time you are bored. Look for inspiration in anything, toilet paper, an art project, an abandoned animal, diy tools, headphones, just about anything and once you find it, you are on your way to bigger inspirations. I also hope you will understand that if you are angry you cannot be wise, it is either or.

Finally, know that everything is a choice, the most powerful tool we all own with infinite possibilities. So my wish for you is that you will love your life or make the choice to adjust it to the way you would love it, and make 2021 your best year yet.